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Moonly Review 🌕 Dying Nowhere
Being with what is, fully.
It's a Full Moon again, so I took a moment to sit down at my desk in the Traditional Dream Factory and wrap my thoughts and feelings into another letter to you.
I missed writing my last review. I found myself with the video to edit and a letter to write in the last night before going to Nowhere (my first ever Burn) and while it was hard to let go of this practice, the voice of reason allowed me to let go and instead catch some sleep. I'm glad I did, because throughout these wonderful days in the Spanish dessert I didn't sleep much at all.
When I look at the pages of my Infinity Squares from the last cycle I'm whelmed with the feeling of abundance, gratitude, alignment, flow, discovery, love, care, and receiving what I need even if I do not dare to ask (although I am also getting better with that part - and I'm courageously asking for what I need and naming it with words that are accurate).
That's the part of the cycle that I skipped writing about:
And that's my time at Nowhere:
As you can see there is a lot there to unpack. In fact, here was so much happening that it seems that I needed to add two more days to fit it all…
Since connecting with the magical Toad, my life has changed on a profound level, and so did my squares. I seem more perceptive and in tune with my environment and the Universe, the Big We, as one of my friends and teachers likes to call it. I'm also practicing surrendering and most importantly dying.
At Nowhere I died a couple of times, and the last night involved three deaths and no psychedelics what-so-ever. It turns out that simple moments, like witnessing the Sunset, looking up at the starlit sky, or a kiss, can put me in a state of Death. It's a very particular feeling. I can feel a little bit of saliva coming up to my throat, and I can feel a hint of Fear peaking into my Soul, reminding me that I'm about to cross the threshold into the Unknown territory, beyond logic and what I can explain in words. The default world could call me mad, but I don't really bother with the default world anymore, since my life is taking me towards building a new one - be it in a regenerative village prototyping new civilisation, or in a co-created party serving as a container for what I will call (for a lack of better word) shamanic training, or in a peaceful island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
During the last night at Nowhere, I crossed beyond the line marking the boundary of the Party Space, to have a moment with the Land and the Ocean - being looked at from the same stars I was looking at from the dessert. The water was filling my body, and I felt the Courage to speak out loud in my mother tongue words that marked me deeply, and which I am not yet ready to share with you - not because I don't want to, but because I feel like what has been happening (and continues to happen still) requires time, stillness and silent witnessing, rather than speaking.
I am changing, faster than ever, stronger than ever, and finding alignment all around me. In that beautiful state of full, unconstricted connection magic just happens. All I need to do is to be, make space, breath, and witness. It's a powerful lesson, which is relatively easy to conceptualise, but not easy at all to embody. And yet, in my past weeks, I keep continuously ending up precisely in the right place at the right time, to experience precisely what I need to experience, even if I don't know it yet.
I've never felt so alive.
Being in this state, I do remember that this too shall pass, and nothing ever lasts forever. And yet, the more powerful lesson here, is that what is is precisely what needs to be. Endings, beginnings, unexpected encounters, healing, screams, drinking water with bleach, silence or a complete lack of it, creating magic by the river, embracing chaos, surrendering to what is, and most importantly admitting to myself that I do not know what I am doing, and that is perfectly okay, because knowing is fundamentally flawed. Instead, I feel, with all of my heart, with unprecedented clarity, with no bullshit to distract me, with no layers of protective shell to hide me from the truth of what is and needs to be.
It is whelming. Not overwhelming, as in: not too much to handle, but precisely the right dose even if the intensity of it sends shivers down my spine and makes my body wiggle and wobble and dance in the most bizarre ways. And yet it doesn't feel strange at all. Quite the contrary - it's just me, Being, Experiencing, Opening.
Being fucking ALIVE.
The words are still lacking, but the feeling is unmistakable.
Some time ago something cracked open. And now, Life is flowing through me, as I keep on Dying. It's the most liberating act I have ever experienced and something I still need to process. Perhaps one day we can sit together, looking at the infinity hidden in the Stars, Ocean, Fire, or your Eyes, and I'll tell you more about it.
For now, I'm again mindblown by the power of letting go, removing pressure and relaxing my muscles. Good things follow: Unexpected visits. Unexpected words. Feeling of ease and belonging - as in everything belonging and being perfectly in the right place at the right time, including me.
I shiver again as I recall the moments of dissolution into the white blanket of my bed during this crazy hot afternoon with 42 Degrees Celsius. Simple moments, and yet so powerful.
I feel so much gratitude for all that I have experienced that I can't contain it, and I don't. Gratitude is to be shared, just like during a powerful spell-casting by the River, River which shouldn't be there, and yet it was. As it held space for us with its calming whispers, new spells were forged and casted into the world. And with every spell, every heart present opened a bit wider, until there was nothing separating our skins from the water and the sky and indeed - you.
I know that all this sounds quite esoteric. And yet, it's just the state that I am tuned into right now, without the need of any medicine or other substances. It's just pure me and pure light beaming through and with me. And I am here to Be with it. I don't know what to do and I don't pretend I have any clue. But I also trust, fully and wholeheartedly, that what is - in my heart, in my mind, in my surroundings, is the precisely what needs to be, and I choose to surrender to it and dance with it, even if it escapes way beyond logic. I look Fear in the eyes, and with relative gracefulness of a juggler jump strait into its mouth, the void of pure darkness, only to find myself witnessing another beautiful moment.
Nowhere provided me with everything I needed, even if I didn't know how to ask for it. And as I return from that magical dessert, I am so grateful to come back to the Traditional Dream Factory - which is essentially a continuous regenerative Burn, and a space for magick to be continuously co-created.
Today I witnessed a couple of Dreams, including these Big Ones, being fulfilled. Seeing the eyes of a Dreamer who is experiencing that fulfillment in the present moment is the most precious gift. Being one of these Dreamers is equally precious. Being in a space which holds such powerful moments at a factory pace brings me to the obvious conclusion that I am precisely in the right place at the right time. After all - I am here, and there is no other place I can be, so it is perfect.
And just like that, I dissolve again, into my body, feeling the tension in my neck disappear and my head fall down, as an electric wave crosses from my neck to my fingers and a bit of saliva travels up my throat. I am ready to die again, right before a celebration of the Full Moon with a group of wonderful Beings who are here because they need to be.
I die again. I am reborn again. I let go and allow, and the most magical moment happens.
(As I type this last sentence a woman enters the room, grabs a guitar and starts playing a heart-opening tune which will stay with me for a long time.)
The magick is all around. It's in you. In me. In the concrete, the wood, the void and, indeed, dying.
I am facing it all without Fear, and instead, with a big smile on my face. And I call again my friend on the radio to open up the Space for something new:
Vibe Vibe Vibe Vibe. This is Mad Seagull. Over.
I am co-creating space for the new Path which has been unfolding for many months, but only now became visible to my awareness.
Hello Path. Thank you for Being and thank you for inviting me to walk along you. I don't know what I am doing, but it seems that I am doing it quite well.
And thank you, dear Friend, for Being with me on this incredible journey. It's an honour to be a part of the same stardust.
With Infinite Love,
ps. Here's another Dream - a couple approached our Barrio asking for a challenge or gift as they were getting married later that day. I invited them for a Sunset Cruise on our sailboat and the wonderful Barrio crew of Sheepy Ship created a moment they will remember forever. And so will I.